June 3rd

June 3, 2009

I am writing this out of complete and utter boredom, the type that working away at a job that requires nothing of me affords me. The type of boredom that allows the thoughts and feelings I have long hidden to come out and encompass my mind and soul.

It is times like these where I start to lose my productive sentiment. The more I do nothing the more I want to do nothing. How many days, weekends and hours have I spent in this sentiment? More than I wish to remember. When I get like this it is like the whole world falls just beyond my ears. Usually, I am engrossed in some foolish television show. The type where the only point of show is to make you stupid and the commercials is to make you wish you were someone else.

Once I enter into this state of boredom, I get hungry, probably because I really can’t live with myself or the feelings I have buried in my tomb. I want to eat away the voice in my head parroting the negative beliefs I hold so close to my heart. Again and again as if on a merry go round I can feel the sounds turn I am worthless, a failure, i will never amount to anything, why do I even try.

These beliefs scare me, they do so on two levels. Level one - It is quite sad that I believe such horrible things and that I can’t seem to let them go, I like them, they keep me stuck here hating myself and miserable and I need them like a security blanket. They keep me exactly where I am.

Two, I don’t know how to change them. They say affirmations work, but I have a hard time believing repeating a saying can change your beliefs. I have tried, maybe not hard enough, and I still feel like I am sinking in the sand with the tides washing over me. I think I like sinking though, keep blaming myself and watch as my calves and then knees and then thighs get absorbed by the grains and feel helpless all the same.

So instead of doing anything I sit here eating famous amous cookies and drinking diet pepsi trying to pass the time, feeling the solitude creep into my bones and tie a weight around my heart. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, other time I want to cry but time as we so often find, does not heal all. It keeps moving, ticking, calculating and we watch from the sidelines, place our bets on a horse and pray it will win.

Guilt

I have a guilty conscious, full of doubt and shame
I carry it like a scarlet letter,
which I am sure everyone can see
it lays on my heart and clouds my eyes
making the world outside my door hard to see
and so I lie awake at night
pondering why I feel so alone
I feel I have suffered enough
carried the cross like Christ
but he was fortunate enough to die
well i still have to fight

Angst

Do you ever feel like you never moved past the age of 13?
I feel like that alot lately, well almost all the time. I want to throw temper tantrums at people, lock myself up in my room cause nothing is going my way and die there...Pretty sad stuff when you think about it.
I have come to the conclusion that my life has no purpose, and I have no connection to anything bigger than myself. I feel disconnected from the earth and any spiritual being and I am angry at everything and anyone who is spitting distance away from me. I just don't know how much longer I can do this anymore. Getting out of bed, going to work. I want a vacation.
I always thought if you sucked it up a little more and got yourself together everything would work out okay but I am not sure of that anymore.
I keep trying to be silent, and listen but its so hard to stop the continued chatter in my head.
So for all of you, does it get any easier?

Sleep, the elusive beast

I am tired, I am tired of working, working seven days a week. The problem is that I don't know why I am working so much. I feel no purpose working so hard, just like I feel no purpose in my life. Everything feels so empty. I don't want anymore stuff, I am sick of pleasing everyone else around me, and I have no idea why I am on this plantet or what purpose wants me to accomplish. The world can seem a desolate place when you feel alone.

I have never been a person who was spiritual, but lately I have been trying to connect with that side of myself and I am finding that there is an emptyness that I can not explain away. When I was in school I was focused on finishing school, not what would happen afterwards, and beleive me, I never believed I would be working in Cranbrook 7 days a week, and nights two of those shifts. I thought all this schooling would move me forward, but I feel like I am standing still. My little sister seems to have her life together better than I do. Sometimes I wish there were a handbook for life.

I could go on with the self-depricating story of my life, but I am getting sick of that too. I need to get a new perspective, a new set of glasses to see the world from. I don't know, but I feel waiting for the answer may be less harmful than running into something else.

10 ways to overcome procrastination

How to Overcome Writer's Block
Writer's block is the patron demon of the blank page.You may think you know EXACTLY what you're going to
write, but as soon as that evil white screen appears before you, your mind suddenly goes completely blank.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1426838/how_to_overcome_writers_block.html

Daisies

I love daisies, as you can see from my profile picture. I believe this flowers are the prettiest, and simplest flowers and I love simple things.

I love picking wild dasies, looking at them and now I have a new love a fragrance called Marc Jacobs Daisies. I got this in my stocking for Christmas and I have worn it religiously everyday since. It smells like spring, fresh and awesome.

I also found a website created by Marc Jacobs co. for this fragrance and it is tons of fun with games to play and cool things to download when you get to a certain percentage. http://www.daisymarcjacobs.com/us/ is the website and I encourage everyone who loves spring to check it out.

Saying no

I have been thinking a lot about saying "no" recently. How such a powerful word comes in only 2 letters and how it can change your life. I have a hard time saying the word no. I am a people-pleaser and I have a hard time taking care of myself. When someone comes to me asking for a favour, to volunteer or to work more my first instinct is to say "yes". Then I realize how I over extended myself, and bail out or get angry.

So how to say no, and what to do when the unexpected strikes. I was asked to do some volunteering this week. By Bowl for Kids Sake and the Relay for Life. I agreed only to have my boss ask if I would like to work an extra 5 or 6 hours, which I need to do for obvious financial reasons. Now I have a problem, I want to take better care of myself, but it becomes difficult when I am working 2 jobs and then volunteering. Now, I am not sure how much time the volunteering will take up, but it worries me that if it takes up too much time I start comprimising my job as well as my time off, which as it stands is little to nothing as it is.

It starts to seem like the world is piling up on me, how do I work, volunteer, go to the gym, and work on my spirituality all at the same time. I have driven into Anxiety City and my car has broken down. So here I sit waiting for the tow truck and thinking how much is this going to cost me in the end.

Now I am thinking about the things I want to say no to. I need the money so the job is a yes, I want to start going to the gym again, so the gym is a yes, I am learning so much about myself and feel better than I have in years, so I need to continue to explore my spirituality, so the volunteering is the odd man out, except volunteering can help me get a job in the field I want so I am not working 2 part-time jobs and scrambling around. So now I have to try and get all of them done.

I will be stuck in Anxiety City for a long time, I guess part of becoming conscious is realizing your limitations and how to work within them, or move past them intelligently, not insanely like I am. So if everyone can raise their glasses with me and toast to learning to say no, now I have to decide who to say no too.